So I figured it was about time I wrote about what’s been going on for the last 16 months. This may be in a couple of different posts as I have way to much to say on the subject.
In January 2017 I wrote a post about my lack of babies. As in I had none despite trying for a few years. Well in the months that followed, me and hubby went for a bunch of tests to see what was going on. The doctors found nothing wrong with hubby and hormonally no issues on my part. On the 23rd of June 2017 I went for an ultrasound scan to check my ovaries and fallopian tubes. As I lay there while the ultrasound was taking place I was fairly nervous. I had no idea what the tech would find… if anything. Then I noticed that he, yes he (that made me uncomfortable enough as it was), had been spending a lot of time examining my left side. I had no idea if that meant anything or not but me being me assumed that it did so really started to freak out. I managed to hold myself together until the exam was finished and I had re dressed. Then I met my mum back in the waiting room.
I could feel the tears starting to come as my vision started to get blurry. The lump rose in my throat. After practically running out of the hospital, my mum quick marching after me with absolutely no idea what was going on, we got to the car and all my emotions came out. I cried… a lot. I was convinced that the ultrasound tech had found something and that it would mean my chances of having my own biological children were over.
I spent the next week or so going through what I can only liken to stages of grief.
Denial- Trying to convince myself that it was all in my head and that nothing was wrong, because if something was wrong then I would know about it.
Anger- Angry at everyone and everything. Especially people who had children… not because they didn’t deserve them or anything like that but I was angry that I couldn’t work out why the universe hated me so bad that I didn’t have any yet.
Bargaining- (this one not so much) I kept trying to make deals in my head with the universe or anyone that would listen that I promised to be a better person, yada yada, if I could just have a baby of my own.
Depression- Literally sitting in the shower, in bed or on the sofa just crying about everything and nothing and suddenly everything became very dark and I could see no future in anything. All I had ever wanted to do was be a mother and there was no way that would happen now because we probably wouldn’t be able to adopt or get IVF or anything.
Finally I feel that I reached a point of acceptance. Eventually deciding that having kids wasn’t the be all and end all of my life and I could find something else that would feel just as fulfilling. Many people choose not to have children and live great lives so why couldn’t I.
So I had come to terms with perhaps never having children… In the couple of weeks that followed I tried to think of all of the things I could do instead. Perhaps what career path to follow as previously I had only ever wanted to be a mum and always just assumed whatever job I had would be one that I could do and be at home as often as possible.
For the first time in years I didn’t obsess over what stage in my cycle I was in that month. I didn’t notice until one Friday at the end of the month when me and hubby had been invited to a party. We were in Tesco buying drink when I realised my period hadn’t shown up yet. I asked hubby casually wether I should still buy drink as my period appeared to be late. In the end we decided to get it anyway, considering every month up until that point I had always avoided alcohol round about my period ‘just in case’.
We went to the party and had a great time but on the Sunday when there was still no sign of my period I decided to do one last test. Hubby was out at his friends so I figured now was the best time as he wouldn’t be there to laugh at my silliness when the result came back negative. I took the test and pottered about doing a bunch of houseworky things. When I nipped back in to the bathroom I couldn’t believe my eyes… in the test window was a bright blue cross… I was pregnant!
Leo Jack and Me 