On My Mind

On Babies (or my lack of)

(From 12th January 2017)

For the last few weeks I haven’t been 100% if I was going to post this blog. I’ve re-written it twice already and still don’t know what the point of it is or what I want from posting this. I have just been feeling more and more like I need to get this off my chest. Once my thoughts are out in the open then I can maybe move on.

To begin with, any thoughts and feelings in this post are strictly my own unless stated and are in no way designed to hurt, insult or offend anyone. I am also painfully aware that there are many people in a far worse way than me. Never the less these are still my feelings. See I didn’t call this blog “On Infertility” for a reason. Reason being that as of yet we have no real or proven evidence that infertility is what we are dealing with at the moment. At the moment the problem we have is a lack of babies. Hence the title.

I suppose a bit of background to start with. Me and husband got married in May 2014. Although he had never seemed overly bothered about having children, he knew how much I wanted them so we agreed that we would try as soon as we were married. I had been on the depo provera injection since 2010 until my last one in February 2014 (would have be due to be renewed the day before we got married). I was aware that it could take up to a year year for it to leave my system and up to two years to return to “pre depo” fertility. Nievedly though I thought maybe we would be lucky and within a few months we would be sharing some good news… That didn’t happen.

As as previously stated in my “On growing up” post that the only thing I have ever wanted to be was, and still is, a mother. Again I know some people have been trying for so much longer than us but that doesn’t make it any less painful. Nor the sense of dread any less each month when aunt flow comes to visit. When we first started this I had absolutely know idea just how many emotions I would have to go through on this journey. Pain, anger, upset, frustration, confusion, loneliness and utter disappointment every month.

As a usually upbeat, very happy go lucky person I don’t let very many things get me down. This however is the one thing that I can feel chipping away at my resilience each month. I never wanted this to become the thing that “defined” me either but the longer it takes me to have children the more I can feel it doing that. I am of an age now where pretty much as soon as people hear that I am married they ask when we plan on having children. How do I explain that the answer would be two years ago if it was up to me. Also a lot of my friends and colleagues know how much I want children now and I’m fairly sure some of them are more aware of my menstrual cycle than even I am. I really do appreciate that they care and are just trying to seem interested but it’s very difficult to know how to respond without seeming rude.

I feel very lonely at the moment as I am either surrounded by people who have children already or have no desire for children. Also I have had two years of hearing “it’ll happen when it happens” or “when you stop thinking/stressing about it, that’s when it’ll happen” and I’m tired now, I’m emotionally done. Why isn’t it happening now and how do I stop thinking about it. I’m getting to the point where I feel that we have tried just about everything we can think of. We have tried caring, we have tried not caring, we have tried taking temperature and vitamins and all the other things we could think of without also starting to let it rule our lives completely. How long are you supposed to do all these things before admitting defeat. I have always said that I never wanted to let trying for a baby rule my life and to be honest I’m not sure how bothered husband is about it. He says that he does want kids but I’m not sure if he is just telling me that because he knows how much I want them and I’m not sure he would be overly heartbroken if we never had any and I don’t want to be to over bearing with him and feel I’m forcing it on him. This is what makes me feel loneliest of all because who do I speak to about it? Also I don’t want this to be the only thing I continually talk about though. At the moment and for quite some time it seems to be the only thing on my mind.

I don’t expect nor want any particular response from anyone and I especially don’t want sympathy. I just want people to be aware that not everyone has the luck of being able to get pregnant as soon as they merely look at a man or by “accident”. I don’t necessarily want a lengthy discussion on the topic either but again for people to be aware that occasionally I am going to feel hurt or angry or fed up and that it should be okay to feel these things. I don’t want friends or family to feel guilty or unable to tell me that they are pregnant for fear I’m going to turn into a crazy, jealous monster. I mean I might to begin with but it’s through no fault of theirs. It is my problem and I will deal with it. It also doesn’t mean that I will be any less excited for them to be welcoming a new life into the world. I will still sit with them and listen to them complaining about how tired they are or how they hurt and are swollen or baby’s kicking them in the ribs is keeping them up all night. I may be internally thinking how much I long to experience that and to be kept up all night by a healthy screaming child but I will still lend a sympathetic ear and paste on a smile for them  because their pregnancy isn’t about me and they are just as entitled to feel exactly how they are because I know if it was the other way round I would be the exact same. Just because I haven’t found it as easy to have children that doesn’t mean I should punish those who do.

Basically I think I just needed to have a slight rant on this and as far as having kids “ever” goes I know we don’t have any confirmed diagnosis at the moment as to why it is taking as long and potentially I could get pregnant at any time. I also know that there are so many different routes to follow such as IVF, adoption, surrogacy and I am not against any of those. I know none of my options have been exhausted yet. I am just frustrated that my plan didn’t go to plan.

Thanks for reading…


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